The same theme as always. The man, whom I’ve decided to call James.
I keep thinking of how he has my mind scrambled; how I’ve been thinking about him every second of every day since I met him; how I dream about him; and in my dreams all I see is his face and thats good enough for me. How I can’t see him in the physical world everyday; and when I do see him all I get is mixed signals, a temporary high on Dopamine, and then a serious, serious crash where I don’t want to eat, or sleep. Then all I do is watch documentaries and TED Talks by Helen Fisher where she describes love, the different types of love.
this isn’t love. this isn’t romantic love. this is attraction. I know him well enough to know that we have enough chemistry to be compatible; the bad news is he has a girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve published this, but indeed. He has someone.
Since I like to pace back and fourth in my own mind, I try to talk myself out of this. I try to tell myself that he is not meant for me. He is probably happy with someone else and whatever is meant to be will eventually find its way. I truly believe this. I know myself. I’ve been in relationships before. I need a partner who is completely obsessed and possessive of me. Maybe it’s because my venus is in scorpio, but I need my person to be all about me and all over me. I know, that based on what I know about him, he can’t give me this. He’s a pathological flirt. I know this from experience. If he’s in a relationship with someone, why would he even entertain the idea of me?
I don’t like this. According to Helen Fisher and other research I’ve done, human beings aren’t meant to be monogamous; and it’s possible to love more than one person. It’s possible. Every love is different. Can I live with this. can I have a polyamorous life? I hope so, I’m open to the possibility.
I got to thinking of the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for those of you not familiar with the film #spoileralert it’s about the possibility of erasing someone from your memory. Let’s pretend you just got out of a bad relationship, and now you want to move on with your life and forget about them, so you pay for this service. A group of professionals come to your house and physically erase all the evidence of the person and experiences you’re trying to forget, while in your sleep someone wipes all your memories of them. The person you’re trying to erase is notified that the other person has erased you from their memory, so if they see you again.. they might not recognise you.
I thought maybe if I could erase him, I could go on my merry way,and that might work, if I had the option to never see him again, but the truth is we live in the same city, we work in the same building and were usually within a .5 mile radius of each other. If I could erase him, I know in my soul. That we would still be attracted to each other. Just based on the intensity of our first meeting and again, I think. that maybe it’s meant to go somewhere. That maybe the universe fights for two souls to be together.but maybe I’m just insane and I should go to bed.
I will keep you posted.